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Inside Out.

I'm running.
I'm running, so fast that my breath is louder than my footsteps. I have no time to tumble. Behind me I see people shouting at me to run faster, telling me how proud they are of me. In front of me, I see my heroes, waiting to grab me and pull me to a place beyond this soul crushing forest.
Sometimes I don't know what I am running for. It's like I'm running, looking for places where I can heal, but with every mile I keep losing bits and pieces of me. Often, I get scared that at the end, there will be nothing left of me. That one day I will reach the mountain top but when I look at myself I will see nothing. Nothing at all.
Is it worth it?
One day, I will not be scared of death. I will let it feast on me and happily remember all the times this body has helped me, betrayed me. But for now, I'm a coward. I don't yet want to meet my inner self. This side of me has done too many wrongs.
I have though, explored myself in so many ways you haven't. You will never know what it is like to be me, how my own existence brings me to tears. How I can feel a fire burning violently inside me, sometimes feeding on the stories of the world and brightening more, other times, dying, because it had nothing to burn for.
Why then, are you happier than me?
Why, you haven’t seen yourself up close. You don't know what it is like to feel so much of power, so much energy. Then why in the world, at the end of the day, do you sleep peacefully while I cry myself to sleep because I am losing a little of my time every single day?
One day I will prove it to you. I swear, I'll prove to you that I am what this world wants. Or so I had said.
Never had I realized, this world wants so little from me. And I, need so much more of myself.
This time I want something more than loneliness to keep myself in a piece.
I need more than sleep to calm the voices in my head. I need a touch that doesn't lift up from my skin. Ever.
Is it okay if I don't finish reading all the books in the world? Is it okay if I never write better than the writer next door? Is it okay if I never learn to colour?
Is it okay if today, just for today, that I believe, that there is no such thing as time?
I don't want to run. Today, I don't want to run. 


- Anushruti Adhikari (अनुश्रुति अधिकारी )




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